Yeeva Cheng: Random Impulse Week 2 (January 29, 2011)
This really caught and held my attention from the first paragraph. I thought it blended movement (action) and imagery (scenery) perfectly to give the reader a specific sense of time and place from the get-go, as well as an instant emotional investment in the characters of the story. I felt the build-up to the scene in the school, the revelation of the photographs, and the quiet gap between the narrator's realization and the final lines was beautifully done, with a very solid grasp of pacing. It was a very concise scene, yet it expressed a great depth of emotion and for the narrator, a great range of emotion, too. That's very hard to do well, and you nailed it! In fact, I think you have such a well-balanced delivery of time and place that you could strip it down a little, use less descriptions, and build an even stronger atmosphere. I felt a few times in the third and fourth paragraphs that some of the imagery was veering a little into "poesy" prose. I felt perhaps the final line of the fifth paragraph could be trimmed, too, as it felt a little redundant. The imagery and symbolism had already been delivered so well that I felt this line wasn't necessary anymore.
This was a beautiful read!
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