Danita Pope: class exercise
Pulling into the supermarket parking lot. The smell of tar combined with midsummer heat smelt like the mood I was already in. Stench amplified from the hot hot heat. Regretting the fact I left the windows down for the ride, instead of using the little bit of gas I had left for air conditioner. Upon pulling into a space near the entrance, I sat there in the heat hoping the smell would pass. The black parallel powerlines were blinding from the brightness of the sun. I stretch my fingers thru my ponytail noticing the resemblance of color. This makes me happy for reasons unexplainable to myself. I use this sudden urge of happiness like a wrecking ball swaying left to right. And shifting to the right, then suddenly to the left, I use my body weight to open the car door-which is heavy. (heavy as if its from my existential plight) which I suddenly break thru placing first my left torn up sneaker then my right onto the pavement. This is how I get through Tuesday.
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I loved this piece and was left wanting to read more. The "bad news" of my critique is mostly just nitpicks, like the use of "thru" instead of "through" and the phrase "hot hot heat," which might not need the "hot hot" unless it is for rhythm. Some of the part about the "existential plight" might seem abstract, but I think you tied it in well with the very specific language about the power lines and your hair, and grounded the imagery. I really loved that you used the sense of smell, which is often neglected except when it's used for flowers and such. Something you nailed perfectly is setting; I got a very distinct sense of time and place, which seems critical for these types of exercises. Like the establishing shot of a scene for a film, it's all about putting the reader into that moment, concretely, and you did just that. Good job!
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